As I looked at different area's we could live in....from Manhattan to Lawrence (KS) I felt both sad and excited. No one "likes" moving but after 10 years in the same house and in an area not representative of me, my beliefs or values I saw some bright sides. Unfortunately the area's for the most part that were affordable were one horse towns, old houses in need of repair and definitely not moving in the right political direction.
For any new readers, this blog has been my journey of being diagnosed with Borderline PD, Narcissistic PD and moderate to severe depression. The diagnosis came at age 47 and in Sept. 2014. I have lost at every appeal level for disability, many older posts deal with those specifics. In addition I have some moderate back issues but disability doesn't normally accept back issues till age 50, I will be 49 in a month. My family has dealt with several deaths and other things starting in 2006. It's been rough
I find it hard to write or even think a lot about my issues. I can't focus on my recovery while I am working. Part of who I am...only so much of me to go around. In some ways this past year and a half feel like a dream. Not real. As I examine what I can physically, mentality, and emotionally do in the work force while either making less than $800/month or more than $2500 there isn't a lot out there. There is a huge chasm between those 2 numbers. Again, explained in detail in previous posts.
I can't seem to look at myself the same. I can only focus on meeting the bare minimal needs for my family. This is where disability is so needed. I find myself getting angry at moments. I paid into a system I believed in, only to be presumed to be scamming the system somehow. It feels like because its abused now you are presumed to be part of that crowd. It's a joke to think someone can last long enough through the appeals process and make less than $800 a month. The process can take 2+ years.
Those are the reasons I can't do both. Focus on my recovery and find a job ASAP. The two do not correlate well.
Am I better than I was? I don't know. My confidence is shattered. My belief and hope and faith are all on life support. My fear of failure is greater than I can ever remember. There is so very much at stake.