I told myself yesterday that I wanted to focus this weekend on what I CAN DO and not on what I can't do. I believe this is part of mindfulness. But....what do you do when you *must* be in the present but that "present" scares the hell out of you.
Most people who really know me will tell you that I bring a lot of energy to the table. A Real "go getter" but I have no confidence left. I made a decision almost immediately that I wanted to share my story and I wanted to document what the process is like. Having said that...my energy can also be applied in situations that are a bad road or a dead end. I know that about myself. Some of that is my OCD some of it is this belief that I can make a difference.
Thing is I don't think I have to offer what I thought I did. It's pretty hard to watch the news, especially about the Syrian Refugees. Now, I am in favor of helping and would like some assurances that our system works as it relates to vetting them. But....when you don't know how you will pay your utilities and rent its pretty damn hard to feel much for others. I realize that sounds selfish and maybe it is to some extent. But its my reality. When I see the way some want to care for them its hard because its like....really? You want to open up state and federal Aid while you deny me? Very hard.
I have little hope that I can find a job. In sharing my story I am sure I went too far. I e-mailed several ex-bosses and friends. So very few responded and that really hurt. As this year has progressed I have come to realize that the world doesn't quite work the way I thought it did. I've felt robbed of my attempt to heal. Folks- whether you agree or disagree about disability there is a very real reality that working through some serious stuff is hampered when your every thought is about how to not become homeless. Although my cynical nature had me posting that I knew I would lose my case...but deep inside of me it was the one hope I had. The ability to care for my kids at a very basic level while I work in therapy on my issues.
Many people have told me not to take the judges decision personally. Very hard though. I have skimmed the denial once and read it in depth once. I don't know if I can really prepare an appeal. My attorney has not responded to me. I had asked for some direction and a decision from them whether they would continue or not.
One week and no response. So I sent this
I am very disappointed that no one responded to me this week.I believe after researching quite a bit this week I have a good, strong appeal. According to what I saw, it was a judges error to discard my therapists letter. While she may not be able to diagnose or state whether I can work or not, the "issues" I would face by working were very clearly outlined and that is admissible and should be given weight.
I spoke with my current therapist and he is considering whether he can add anything. I also contacted Dr. XXXXX and sent him a copy of the judgement and asked him to review it to see if he feels he was represented well...which he wasn't. I do not know if that will change his mind regarding a letter but I asked him to let me know within 2 weeks.
I would like a response no later then Wed. the 25th. I believe that is fair as I asked Wed the 18th to have you let me know some sort of timeline. If you chose not to move forward I will accept that but I will not accept not having my concerns addressed in a timely manner.
The real issue though is I have taken this family to the brink and we can't afford financially or emotionally to stay there any longer....when I peek over the edge it scares me because I am afraid that I will be unable to provide for my wife and kids.
I have come real close to going to the ER. My pulse has been between 110-130, resting, for about 4 days. No chest pain so I really think its anxiety and a change in meds (My "pulse" meds had to be changed to an $8 RX) but I don't want to die.
This probably sounds really dumb. One reason I don't want to go in is I am an absolute mess and guarantee you they would order a Psych consult. If the Dr. that told Social Security I only needed a "month or two" shows up...well we would have a problem. Or even the Attending who supervised him.
I really wish I could describe how lonely this disorder is. I felt a lot of support from Twitter folks initially. But now its like 50 people have 50 different views and it gets confusing trying to figure out what makes sense and what doesn't.
I am frankly upset with my attorney over the handling of my case. But...I have no more strength left to fight. I have no way to provide for my family and make less than $800/month.
This is where I enter my own danger zone. When I feel "trapped" or there is no way out I fight or run. This is a very dangerous place for me.
I want to move forward. It's not that easy though. If I could do that on my own I wouldn't be where I am. When people say things like "You have to move on" or the like...it angers me. Why? Because "moving on" and not dealing with my issues is WHAT GOT ME HERE!
I don't want this to be the end of my story. I have more chapters to write.
I won't quit though. I am a fighter. I love my wife and kids with everything I have. I tell myself this is only a season and you will get through this....I tell myself that because the alternative isn't very good.