I am not sure I mentioned this, but changing my sleep meds were probably what led to my new diagnosis. It caused a huge fight on the phone between myself and the Dr. followed by an immediate need for me to ask for forgiveness over an incorrect perception on my part (Though I had already over reacted) ...classical BPD. Along my journey many people have hypothesized what may cause my insomnia. Caffeine, stress, back pain, sleeping habits...have all been discussed. Whatever causes it, it's a real bitch. I have often been asked if I wake up with racing thoughts and No, I don't. I wake up in pain (back), body exhausted, mind not fully awake...and I think one thing, why can't I sleep?
The last 2 days have been different though. My anxiety is off the charts. Thoughts have come flooding into my mind these last 2 early mornings. We are in dire circumstances financially. My father's working into his retirement, in part to help us. I see my wife having rough moments and I haven't had any energy in the evenings to comfort her. My back and hip are killing me and in spite of an MRI 3 years ago showing disc damage...I have to go through all the steps of XRay, PT (I have failed 3x) before any other course of treatment. How dumb are insurance companies? Pay for everything I have already done before to arrive at the same conclusion. Here is a perfect example/insight to my BPD.
My last appointment the Dr. said several times he would ass an Xray of the left hip. When I arrived that hadn't been ordered. They checked my record, no order. I went to talk to the nurse- no note even acknowledging the conversation. I was pissed. I got the back Xray done and came home and waited till I was calm and called and left the nurse a message. The Dr called that evening and said he saw the XRay, there was some damage, he could see the top of the hip and still felt PT was best (I'm sure it's the Insurance company making that call, again previous MRI showed disc damage...it hasn't self repaired) I hung up and was pretty upset. My hip is so bad its been hard getting around. The pain is on the side, in the joint and feels like nerve pain.
When I woke up at 2 AM yesterday I was fuming. I was in pain, I was frustrated by the apparent lack of understanding by the Dr. In addition my testosterone has been low and he had said he wasn't worried about it...which surprised my Psychiatrist who felt it needed to be addressed. I couldn't shake the feeling of anger. I got up, listened to a few songs, calmed down and wrote the Dr again, just stating I was in pain. I received an e-mail from the nurse later that the Dr. had already made his decision. I wrote back angrily asking if I should just go into the ER? No response. So I am sure being upset is appropriate(?) but again this inability to not overreact is nowhere near something I have control over. Combined with financial woes, no future job prospects (Not even sure I could work right now) and just the loneliness I feel...I have woke up with racing thoughts the last 2 days.
Accepting that at least currently I have no ability to control each and every reaction is tough. It invalidates much of what I believe(d). I've never allowed "I can't" to apply to my kids, wife or employees so to say I can't control a behavior that is so devastating and damaging is tough and makes me feel a little hypocritical.
It's only been 16 days since my diagnosis and I am still reeling some. I also am experiencing some of the same feelings I did when I previously was misdiagnosed bi-polar. I feel like people always telling me its so good that I can embrace and accept this somehow invalidates the condition itself. No matter HOW well I understand it...I can't control these emotions and reactions. I am still broken and to think it won't take some real time and probably my whole life to work on this...makes me feel like no one does really understand. I have to learn how to train my brain to react better but for there to be any real understanding between us and hope for us then people without a mental illness need to understand that while accepting it is 50% of the battle...its the other 50% that sucks and is tough to manage. If there were a cure we wouldn't be here.
Analyzing the effect of my depression on all of this has been difficult. I always figured I had some depression but only occasionally can I see now that there were moments of immobilization in my life before. I think that is the real crux of severe and recurrent depression. That feeling of being stuck, not being able to move or enjoy anything really. Interests in hobbies, friendships, activities all plummet. I think the other big feeling I struggle with is hopelessness. That's based on "feeling" like no one really understands me. I always knew I was a little different...now I question what life would have been like had this been discovered 20 years ago. The really big question is what would have life been like had this not been discovered 16 days ago? I don't know the answer to either and see advantages and disadvantages of each.
For anyone still reading along...maybe you have the answer. Here's a look at "perception"