I walked out of my last job as a waiter/trainer. The basic gist is something was yelled at me in a crowded dining room by the company's CEO or Director of Operations and as is part of my disorder if I am shamed or feel overly "wronged" well lets just say my communication skills at that point became a deadly weapon. At that time in my life...completely out of my control...well mostly.
It was completely inappropriate and actually explains how narcissism is present with most upper management types...self included.
I doubt the guy knew I made as much as he did most of my later years in healthcare. I managed hundreds of millions of dollars and a staff of 65 at my last position...and did well by all accounts. But...my own narcissism combined with a lack of understanding about who I was...what I actually believed in contribuited to my downfall or as my Dr. says the "inevitable conclusion." These are common issues in people with borderline personality...a lack of self identity and at work I was very chameleon like and mostly able to hide it showing a great self confidence that was actually motivated by my fear of abandonment, and that allowed me to build relationships with most people often coming across as a guy that "really had it together". Laughter would be appropriate here :-) Combined with a PCP who didn't want to prescribe psychotropic meds w/out a Psych Consult and a huge argument with the Psych Resident is ultimately what led to my diagnosis.
There are unfortunately parts of our country that simply do not accept Mental Health issues as a disability...specifically with Men. Again to catch new readers up...I have been denied disability 3x now, including the best chance. The judge simply did not buy into the diagnosis and told me I could polish eyeglasses (said verbatim) I think he also looked at my last job as a waiter, me dressed in jeans (Attorneys suggestion was to dress down) he saw something that wasn't there. Or real. Combined with the attorney not allowing my father to speak...it was denied and quick. Having talked to another ALJ judge in another part of the country their comment was in their area I would have been approved and probably before that 3rd hearing. Anyway...we are penniless and that has had an adverse effect in my recovery...pretty hard to work on your own issues when every waking moment is spent on trying to keep your family fed and rent paid with no income.
So...I may not have shared that within 2 days of walking out of my restaurant I was hired into a country club at an unbelievable salary plus tips. It was full time, set schedule, low turnover, etc...now while i may not have "fit in" to the country club type in the workforce...I was excellent at relating to them. Partly because of my experience in senior level management but also my communication skills and dare I say sharp wit helped as well. The day before work would have begun...I was diagnosed by my therapist and that sent me into an incredible tail spin. Declined the job to focus on my new diagnosis and treatment. Even along these 18 months I was cautioned by my (new and permanent) Psychiatrist that even waiting tables may be too risky...of course he declined to even fill out the questionnaire sent to him by disability...but that's another story.
I feel like I am so hard on myself that occasionally I forget that I had some jobs I excelled at and developed and trained staff to be the best they could be. I was a manager that really "got it." I knew my success was directly tied to my staff's performance and that is a hard piece to deal with early in a management career. I fired few people always choosing training and development. I don't know...maybe it was being a Cubs fan and believing in the impossible.
I think I would have liked the country club. My boss was the director of operations and we talked at length about career movement within that country club. Short 5 hour shifts but full time pay, benefits, etc....and I excel at waiting tables...sorry but its a fact lol. For those that know how the system works let me just say that AFTER tipping out the bar and busser's I still walked with 20% or more of my sales...I probably averaged 22% in tips. I think the country club would have been a ripe place to network as well.
No doubt that certain things have to be in place for me to succeed in the professional work place and those are hard to find. I have had a few where I could have seen myself their forever. My 1st job and then working at the hospital. Those two had good separations. First one went out of business but I helped the bankruptcy company inventory clinics all over the US. I left the hospital in 2012 for a shot again at senior level management...and that is a big part of my story. Quitting that big job...I "Knew" there was something wrong...some cog or synapse not firing. I knew that even when I was "right" my actions went overboard. I knew that I had decent control of my temper at work unless pushed or shamed then I lost it.
So when I talk about disability and the process, its shortcomings and downright unfair processes I also state that I never expected I would be on it my whole life...but I needed it to be able to fully focus on my recovery. I want to work. I just know that I am not quite there yet. As I have been told...if I walk out of another job it may put me over the edge...whatever that means.
Not knowing would have been a disaster though. As I said...when I walked out of my highest paying job ever...I knew I had some issues but as normal I figured a little self help therapy was all I needed.
Boy was I wrong.
The journey continues...
The worlds logic has been thrust upon me and sometimes it still doesn't make sense. It's illogical :-)