I believe that God puts people in our lives at the right time. That's my belief, if yours is different I respect that, to each their own.
I know right now I feel so far away from God. Angry, hurt. I know I create that distance, not him. But no matter what I believe. I know it's a short turnaround to be back in his arms. I have had several "come to Jesus" moments. It's been hard to maintain, my narcissism and BPD demand complete control when things are going well yet when I fail I turn to God. Never to that point of full submission though.
Some day's I wonder how many times we are allowed to do that.
As I examine that place that we prefer to not go to (The worst of the worst we have done. Or had done to us, things we will never tell anyone) it feels impossible to be forgiven, accepted. I am like Peter I can not look into God's eyes. I am ashamed (I know part of that is my disorder) broken. I can sit and listen to Christian music but its just enjoyable songs.
I haven't "felt" the hand of God on my shoulder for a long time. I can't seem to stop trying to do everything myself. Today I felt good and my Dad reminded me that often when I felt good it was the need for my narcissism. Always have the best intentions but without the results.
I have Giants to face, we all do. We will be watching this movie as a family tonight. I encourage everyone to watch it.
Faith- "Believing in what you do not know and being certain of what you do not see"