We also lost out health insurance in Sept. The income level for a family of 4 is $768/month. How you can live on that and pay for insurance is boggling. KS opted out of the federal interchange to create their own, own rules and eligibility. Practically this means I have not seen a Dr since late August. Therapy and Psychiatrist have waived their fee's as I used to work at this Community MH Center. However they are steadfast that they will not be involved in disability as it "clouds" the relationship. I was like really? So if what I need most is your notes reflecting that and a questionnaire and I am denied, not because you don't think I need disability but because you don't want a financial relationship. Messed up. They only received my therapists notes through 3 visits and about the 5th visit he made it clear that he doesn't think I should be working. I feel Scared and lonely. I feel myself withdrawing, no desire to blog anymore. I feel my own fight has and will permeate throughout me. I am withdrawing from what little support I have.
Met with my attorney. Not real well. She acknowledged that this judge has denied several cases after giving the impression through his calm nature that they had won. MH in KS and yes being a male are 2 other barriers. Just doesn't fly here.
It isn't just the BPD. It also is my back and hip. The MRI in 2014, after one in 2012, starts with "Major changes since last MRI" but 50 is the magic number for backs and because all of my treatment suddenly stopped it may appear that I can make it...in the judges mind. The alternative is to go to the ER and hope their notes are better.
I won't do that. I won't manipulate to get my way. My integrity is about all I have left. What little dignity I have left will no doubt dissipate after the hearing. If approved, we are looking at 4-6 months till that turns into a payment.
I feel like I paid into the system for 30 years. In my mind, its specifically designed to help keep a family (or individual) afloat while the disabled person tries to get better.
As I said, it feels like my dignity is fading. We live in a society and for me more specifically in a very conservative part of the country. This society doesn't fully understand some of the more serious disorders. They really struggle with MH and Men needing help. They preach its our job to provide for our families. When I need the most help it feels like my country may turn their back on me.
I think I am done blogging for awhile. It causes me much pain. My hope is fading and my faith under attack. The 2 things I have held onto throughout this.
For those of you that wonder what my reasons are for not blogging its pretty simple. I've shared what I could about what this has been like. I have nothing more to offer.
I just need some time to work at getting better. This is just too hard right now but I don't really know any other way to write.