I was devastated. I knew enough about borderline personality that I knew it wasn't an easy road. I also knew it explained about 75% of my life. Pretty much all my life actually except maybe age 14 to 21. Which is why the people who knew me "my whole life" seemed to reject the diagnosis which just fed the abandonment. Since I was also diagnosed with some narcissistic traits it put me in a DBT resistant category....which I fought like hell for 3 years. All of this has been the purpose of my blog. I encoyrage you to even read the last 3-4 posts and you'll get the story.
Today though I want to talk about losing hope...or joy...or whatever you may call it. This isn't meant to be a religious post in nature though some may take it that way but let me define "Hallelujah" for the purpose of this entry
an utterance of the word “hallelujah” as an expression of worship or rejoicing
As a noun and focusing on the word rejoicing which is a feeling of extreme happiness. Or joy or hope or whatever it may mean to you.
As I began my journey 4 years ago it was hard. I was 47 and facing the possibility of having worked myself out of the work force. I was worn down physically and emotionally. I had lost every ounce of self confidence I had. I was marginalized....shamed.....living in poverty. Denied disability after a 3 year process. I wasn't sure I'd ever recover. I even began thinking of suicide. More passively than actively but a sincere feeling some days of hopelessness.
I would emotionally cut. Listen to music I knew that would take me to sad places. I would think of everyone I had lost and everyone I will yet lose. I could be immobilized some days. I don't classify pain because everyone's pain is inherent to themselves but I was in pain. I poured it out in this blog to the point of sharing some bare bones stuff. Couldn't put the blog on face book....
But I always had faith, hope and my family. A couple of good therapists (A couple of bad ones too) that took the time I needed. Allowed me to use cognitive therapy first to heal the pain. Let me ease into DBT... primarily with mindfulness exercises.
That was my recipe. I can't give you your recipe. I can tell you it begins with hope. I think we feel the most hope when our Hallelujah is working. So how do you start it back up when its gone?
If you've read the entry to this point I have some major disappointment. I can't answer the question. Only you can. Only you know what brings your Hallelujah out. But I can share what works for me.
It really is a mind set. Appreciating what you have and not what you don't. Appreciating every day you have with the people that matter. One of my favorite bible verses says "Do not worry about tomorrow for today holds enough worry of its own."
Joy is rarely tangible. Sure we can try and buy it....but do you? No matter your social status you are told bigger is better. More is good. Conserve what you have.
Even technology reduces joy. The need to text and use every platform and medium to not be ostracized from your group, or out of touch with the Joneses. Social media has recreated the one place we all said we never wanted to go back to!!! However I digress...back to joy :-)
It's a mindset. A conscious decision to find joy where you can. For me its my family, my kids...wife, Dad...nieces. My faith in God. Lots of hard work. Learning to allow myself to have good days...and bad ones too. Be aware and mindful. It does take work but man I am telling you it can get better.
One of my favorite songs is Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen. I prefer Bon Jovi's unplugged version. For those of you that don't have faith, struggle with God...maybe even are mad as hell at him....you need to know that he cares and loves you anyway. I feel this is evidenced in this verse from the song
Maybe there's a God above
But all I've ever learned from love Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
It's not a cry you can hear at night It's not somebody who has seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah
Sometimes our Hallelujah is broken. Those that cry out to God are the broken ones. You need to allow your Hallelujah to heal and come out.
I pray you find yours.