I've had a few "Come to Jesus moments" in my life. The first one that I clearly remember was in 1994 I was laid up with a torn muscle in my back, I was miserable, irritable and living in household with 15 other people. This was almost 2 years after my daughter had been born, my oldest. I had moved to Florida to see if we could make it work (My daughter's mom)...well I should say I showed up unannounced, spent a great week with my infant and then booked one day when it felt like things were going out of control (1992- spring) so I had lost all contact as they moved to a new town and I had a different phone and address since I had last given it to them. Nearly 2 years went by with no contact. I was devastated.
My ex and I had met at a dog track and she still worked the circuit in Florida. I had a friend tell me that winter that she had just quit a job at a track. March 1994. That Christmas I had sent a gift package to her last known address, hoping it would get forwarded to her.
So one day I was waiting on a call from my Doctor, lying in bed, in pain, both emotional and physical. I started reading about famous people in the old testament (Job, David, etc...) and then I prayed, I always prayed that I would find my daughter, pretty much every day. The phone rang during my prayer but I answered thinking it was the Dr. Nope, it was my ex. They had just received the package a few days earlier. Were that the only time....
Two years later was the summer I had again gone back to Florida and moved my daughter and ex back to Chicago. I tell the specifics of that story in another post. We were fleeing with all we could pack up and leave my daughters car seat enough room. It was 11 when we left in a hurry, we had enough money to reach Chattanooga and I had bailed from my roommate and parents a mere week earlier so my 1st contact would be a collect call from Chat. at 6 AM asking them for money to come home on. At that time as you drove North into Georgia there were a series of signs of a gas/etc stop. They advertised that if you needed to pray all you had to do was stop and ask and they would pray with you. My ex was drunk and passed out, my daughter sleeping soundly, me driving, an emotional mess and I decided I would stop and ask them to pray with me. I pulled in and went inside, the store was empty (Monday 2 AM) except for 2 employees who were in their 20's. I asked about the prayer and they looked at each other and said they didn't do that only the owners did and only during the day.
I went back to drive up to Chat. About 1/2 way there I stopped at a rest stop and went to the restroom and took my last 2 dollars to the vending machine. I noticed an animal walking behind me. It was a rest stop dog, fur matted, starving, looking like death warmed over. I had just spent my money on crackers and some bottled water and some other snack. As the dog followed me to my car I knew what I had to do. I sat in the drivers seat and gently feed him the food, I poured the water in one of my daughters little bowls and watched as he drank, looked at me, drank some more. He was pitiful. As I sat there with tears running down my face I was upset that I had not an inch to spare to take him with me at least to a vet/shelter. As I drove away I felt like God clearly said to me, "Do not worry my son, as much as you loved that dog, I love you exponentially more."
There have been other moments. When I sat at my Mom's last moments...4x in 6 months and 2x in 12 hours (March 2007). I got on my knees and said "God, I can't take anymore. Please take her...or cure her." A week later she was awake and home by Fathers day. Brain damaged some, but happy, genuinely happy. The life she lead and was dealt...I sorta think this is God's gift to her, and us, to allow her to live the later part of life free from emotional pain.
Like many before me, I tend to run to God when I need help and away from him when I was ready to take control of my life. Of late I have struggled with my own personal relationship with him. About 2 weeks ago I realized I am really mad at God (How narcissistic of me lol). The 8 months that were pure hell for me at my last professional job were highlighter by daily lunches at the park, listening to Christian Music and crying to him for strength.
Yeah...well I blew that as is told several times early in my blog. I blew up, walked out of a high level professional job...probably leaving them wondering how they missed any signs during the hiring process. In retrospect I had some very valid concerns and had I calmly told the Regional VP that I was looking for another job as this arrangement wasn't satisfactory. They had spent a lot of money on me by then, my staff worshiped me and we were starting to turn it around. Basically I should have let it be their problem versus taking it on as a battle with no victory in site. While I see that now I am unsure I would if blindsided on the wrong day...its hard for me still with bigger issues.
So of late, I realize that the distance I feel from God has been created by me. By me trying to do it all by myself. I felt abandoned during that time and well...that struck me to the core. That's the main issue with BPD. I realized that it was me. I was angry, I felt like these life lessons were beginning to become more than I could handle. That he had broken a promise to me (Not to give us more than we can handle)
As my relationship has fallen off I find myself so lonely and empty at times. I think the reason BPD is so hard to treat is in part to the loneliness we feel. And that is the same with many disorders. God can fill that loneliness, that void.
So what can I do? Truth is not much right now. My dad said if I accomplished nothing more than raising my kids in a loving environment...who cares what else I do or don't do. So I asked God, what can I do? Money is tight, my wife is taking on a large part of carrying this family. He said basically quit asking what you can do and be patient and wait. I got your back.
Patience ain't exactly my strong point. My mentor told me once that when we struggle with something and take it to God, sometimes he allows the same thing to unfold as a way to test us, our strength and resolve...instead of us trying to rely on ourselves. So my prayer today is for patience, faith and a belief that when the time is right he'll let me know the next move. He'll open doors in his way and his time and I gotta be the one to enter and right now the door he has opened is one of peace and rest.