1- View of self- Outwardly very outgoing, friendly, loyal, caring, selfish, narcissistic (More realization of this lately) angry, hurt, incredibly insecure and occasionally pissed off at the world.
The view of one's self is what it is, right or wrong this is how we perceive ourselves. If the base line of BPD is that our brains don't allow us to see the way others do, which inherently leads to a skewed perception...who really knows how I think of myself, most adjectives above are what I have heard people describe me as. I can relate to each but after the diagnosis it's really hard to figure out what I really do think of myself.
2- Others perception
Well, I don't know anymore. I have no idea what other people think of me. For most of my life I have rejected others before they can reject me. Why I have started looking at my narcissism I don't believe it's intentional as much as that I presumed others naturally felt the way I did and looked at things from my point of view...those that didn't were simply discarded along the way. I rarely ever stop and think whether I could be wrong. Now if I do feel I am wrong I normally seek reconciliation as soon as possible. It's been hard to look at this right now...I think I am not sure I want to know what others actually think of me
3- How we view others view of us
Part of what I deal with is paranoia. If I see my bosses door closed I just presume that person is mad at me, ready to fire me, talking bad about me. I know how dumb that sounds...it simply is a trigger though. One day I hope to control it better but anything that doesn't include me and excludes me hits every feeling of abandonment I have (I guess?) I've always presumed people see the worst in me. Again both narcissistic and unintentional at the same time. It's not a self deprecating thought as much as that is the way my brain is wired. When that is combined with "real moments of abandonment" it leaves us like a scared animal. Skittish and jumpy.
As I was looking at the multiple jobs I have walked out on and talking to my Dad about it he made a comment that in most situations he could see how this affected my decision but there have been a few jobs I needed to leave and some that didn't outwardly look to be related to this. I paused, fighting some feelings of anger and frustration, and said it's like a cat that is always nervous. He jumps at every noise, never is fully asleep and Can be purring one minute and bite your hand and run the next and it could be because he heard the trash men a block away
What I am getting at is our (my) reaction is rarely going to make sense. It may or may not be an immediate reaction to stimuli or I may stew about it, playing it out to the worst end possible....then assuring that the very thing I don't want, happens. I've been doing this for 42 years...I can remember staring in the mirror a dozen times or so in my life and thinking "what is wrong with you"
One of my strengths is utilizing my friends and family for support and advice. Much of that is lacking as I walk through this. BPD has similarities to bi-polar grandiosity being one and that is a big one for me. I went to college on a baseball scholarship, I pretty much presumed I was going to be a MLB manager or coach. Was a fore gone conclusion in my life. Didn't study in college and failed out (sorta). 6 years later I went back, did some theater, got a scholarship and figured my future lay in that arena. I think its that fantasy world a BPD is in and out of. When I started blogging I genuinely thought I would make a big difference. I saw myself being a voice for those that can't or won't speak for themselves.
So...who am I? I am a father, a husband, a friend and uncle and someone that is struggling but is also trying to exercise faith and a belief that ultimately God is what will help me through this and his way for now is to include MH professionals which I am so grateful for.
I have been hurting and though I profess great faith, I have been looking at this all wrong. I have looked at ways that I can help and really I am unable. I am broken, hurt and not trained. All I want is validation and some kindness as I figure out who I am. Starting today I am going to pray for this blog to be whatever it is. I'm putting it on God's hands which are far more powerful than mine.
Shock and surprise...there IS a song that speaks to this :-)
Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt?
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart?