It's amazing to me to see what I share with my son who has aspbergers. As I stated before I now know we each struggle with social norms, he under identifies and I over identify. Neither of us fully understand though.
I've really been focusing on Radical Acceptance vs change this week. I don't believe the "change" or second part can effectively work until the Radical Acceptance is understood. I realize now that as I got older there must have been a part of me that tried to protect myself by asking my wife or family members to intervene if I sensed an encounter may go bad. As an example, For 2 months I have needed to call the cable company and try to lower some services we don't use/can't afford. Normally I would ask Michele to do that but the cable company will only talk to me.
We change cable providers a lot. Go Figure
I still haven't called because I need my phone usage to go up a little but my overall price to go down. I can't bring myself to do it. I know they won't and I am afraid I'll get mad, etc... and while that may seem trivial to many its an example of what I struggle with and it can weigh on me and I obsess about it, etc....
So to apply that to RA vs. Change....I have to accept that this part of who I am, regardless of how we got here. This is simply a character flaw and while I can work on changing it I need to accept that it doesn't define me, even if it sort of explains me. Until I am better, walking away must be an option. I haven't yet been able to do that much of late and the repercussions of it occurring in the work force would be disastrous.
I saw a new Psychiatrist Friday. I really liked what he had to say. It made perfect sense. He talked about how I had "learned" that if I absolutely needed or wanted a response I would act emotionally because I had taught myself that the angrier, sadder, happier emotion would "force" a response.
Some highlights from the visit
(I have seen people off and on at Wyandot Center- it is a Community based mental health provider- ironically it was while working there that the though of bi-polar as a mis-diagnosis was discussed
1- Previous Dr I saw at Wyandot Center (09-12) diagnosed me bi-polar (Never told me this except she thought "maybe" and that is why she was Ok with the serequel).
2- Ruled out Bi-polar
3- Confirmed BPD (said no doubt in his mind)
4- Confirmed severe depression and is changing many of my meds around
5- VALIDATED how tough this is. He said DBT therapy is the lead and his meds are secondary to DBT. He also said the most aggressive models show it takes about 2 years to really get it and he agreed that I am not ready for employment and agreed that walking away needs to be an option for me for now. He also cautioned me not to end therapy "too soon" as when I first really feel like I "got it"....I may be at my weakest.
It was awesome. He captured everything in 5 minutes (After I talked the first 75 lol) Just acknowledging that it is tough (Last thing he said is I won't sugar coat this), it is doable and it takes time. Pretty much mirrors what I have been blogging.
I did not say much about disability...I didn't want to manipulate the situation. I had already switched to him prior to hearing I didn't qualify, based on the original Dr's report which to this date I have not seen. I did tell him I had applied and they may contact him. He didn't quite understand the course of treatment the first Dr. had me on and asked if he could talk to him and I said sure. I did tell him that Dr. had simply said I was doing great and he didn't think I needed even a year to get better. And the sleep issue
New Dr. switched some meds. First night was my traditional 4 hours but it took me a minute to get going. Last night I had my best sleep in 4 months. A solid 7 hours. Again, took me a minute to wake up though, pretty groggy.
Back to some Music. Gonna dedicate today's entry to this classic Rock Song
I don't know where I'm going
But, I sure know where I've been
Hanging on the promises
In songs of yesterday
An' I've made up my mind,
I ain't wasting no more time
But, here I go again
Here I go again
Tho' I keep searching for an answer,
I never seem to find what I'm looking for
Oh Lord, I pray
You give me strength to carry on,
'Cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams